I am writing to you because, if you know me, you will realize that I once discovered a book published by MTV and it was a book by Stephen Chbosky called
The Perks of Being a Wallflower. You will know I lived with Erin at the time and she didn't care that I ignored her, because I looked happy on my Pee Wee Herman couch cuddled up in a ball and I was reading a tiny book that was yellow and was stopped, for a moment, in the pace of the universe that has trapped me like Sisyphus with a boulder upon a hill.
I shared the book, too. In fact, I asked a turtle to come out of his shell and wondered if a dragonfly might like to meet Charlie. Soon, a rabbit came, followed by a deer, a crow, a worm, a cricket, a rainbowfish, a gold fish, a squid, a starfish, an a.c. sprite, an owl, some pond scum, a crane, a chicadee, a lady bug, a mosquito, a purple iris, a wood nymph, a duck, a swan, a hawk, a butterfly, and 100s of more creatures. I was told not to teach this book, so I stopped, but still kids found ways to read it and they did read it and they passed it on to others. Parents contacted me and wanted a book club so they could read the book, too, and they didn't think it was a believable story and they wondered why kids loved it so much. I felt guilty for letting parents into the world of the young people I once knew.
I fell in love with Sam. She may not be your Sam or the Sam you created in your head or even the Sam that you never got around to imagining, but she was my Sam and she was in my head, and I knew exactly who she should be. I'm not sure it was Emma Watson, but I am happy by the choice because yesterday, all alone in a theater inside a mall while the rain poured down on Connecticut, I finally saw the movie. Looking at the rows and rows of seats, empty, I realized I created myself a perfect moment to feel i n f i n i t e, too. I heard reviews from undergraduates and graduate students, but I didn't want to listen to them because that would be their thinking and I wanted my thinking to be fresh and to be real and to be beautiful like the first time I read the book. I saw the trailers and I prepared for a disappointment but I went, anyway, because nothing should be judged by its cover and because I wanted a moment, for myself, where I could once again feel the magic of teaching that I once knew.
I was Bill - perhaps I still am - and I believe in the power of young people to express exactly who they want to be and I handed books to my students encouraging them not to give up and I kept reading books to find more answers because even though I was a teacher I didn't think I ever had any of the answers and I would say things like, "They say pain makes you beautiful and that is why so many of us in this world are simply gorgeous." I listened to my students and I wrote back to them and they wrote back to me and I read everything they wrote and everything they wrote made perfect sense in a swirl of brown utopia until nirvana was squashed and, at least for that moment, I needed to move on. A frog left a best friend, an owl, and she was smart enough, like always, to let him leap away.
And I did. I lept.
But
The Perks of Being a Wallflower came with me and I handed it out from time to time to people I knew would love it. My mom read it, my older sister read it, and tomorrow I will send it to my niece who is a junior (and I know I once taught juniors and loved that grade because it was a perfect age to realize that words matter and that the world is extremely complicated but everything will be okay).
Today is the official National Day on Writing and I'm counting my blessings that the Great Whatever stopped my routine and whispered while I woke up, "Take a day away from life and do what you want to do."
I did. And that made all the difference.
I will play
Come on, Eileen by the Dixie's Midnight Runner a couple of times and dance with the memories of my adolescent years: my friends, my sisters, my years at Binghamton University, and my parents and match them with my teaching days in Kentucky, my research days in Syracuse, my new life in Connecticut and the need for all of us to feel a part of the world.
I will remember. I may cry. But I most definitely will smile.
Thank you, Stephen Chbosky...on so many levels. A book. A road. And a community.