One of the books I have always enjoyed rereading and teaching is
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. Although it is fiction, it is also based off of truth and O'Brien's narrative style helps readers to question the items we hump/carry in life.
Carrie, a colleague of mine in Louisville, and I have been sharing teaching stories for years and I've been thinking about "How to tell a war story" - one of the chapter's in O'Brien's book. In it, he discusses embellishing the narrative, versus hiding the truths so it doesn't come too close to reality. The stories we tell about extreme situations become that which we carry throughout our journey. The Vietnam stories have many variations and moving forward in one's life with the experience of fighting in that war is a central theme to the book.
In Connecticut, I am thinking about the novel because I only exist as a story to many who currently teach in the school where I taught in Kentucky. I chose to leave for numerous reasons, but I've yet to pinpoint the exact one. Instead, I've been tracing the stories again and again and again so they make sense. I know that the stories many tell about my departure are gossip, lies, and complete misunderstandings. Those who know best, recognize that piecing together events of the last two years I taught there are stranger than fiction. We can only have a dusting of an idea of what actually was going on. All I know is that I couldn't be good for youth and colleagues if I continued to see most of what I love fall apart by decisions that I didn't think were healthy for the school. The love and support that was there for so long disappeared and the divisions became harmful. I often say I didn't want to leave, but I saw no other choice. Like a soldier, I needed to return home to make sense of the battles I saw. No, they weren't the same as O'Brien's, but they were effective enough that I play them, and replay them over and over again in my mind. When standing up for youth and supporting their achievement and learning became a target for others, and when a police-state was set up where a state of fear was established (amongst parents, teachers, and students), I realized I needed to flee. And fled.
In hindsight, I wish I was braver and was able to keep the kids in mind as ammunition to fight off the envious and the anti-kid individuals. Yet, I've also read that being smart about which battles to fight is often a secret to success. I didn't feel I had it in me to fight because I was beat down and wanted the optimism I often hold to stay in tact. I did not want to become bitter, angry, and difficult about teaching and that is what was occurring - so I got scared. The thing I carry often is the wonder of what would life be now if I stayed. I have no regrets because I had five wonderful years with my family and I met communities that changed my life forever. In this sense, I acted as I always preached (and taught). We have control of the journey and we must do what we feel is best. I did...and that has made all the difference.